


Nothingness

by WhatLover



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bullying, Loneliness, M/M, Suicide Attempt, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-24
Updated: 2014-06-24
Packaged: 2018-02-06 01:39:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1839640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatLover/pseuds/WhatLover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren has been bullied ever since school started and is always blamed for everything. Now has the time come where all his strength and will to live has disappeared, will anyone be able to stop him from doing what Erens about to do?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothingness

**Author's Note:**

> If anybody gets triggered by suicide attempt then this is a no no to them

It’s not like I wanted this all to happen to me nor did I ever plan on harboring feelings like these. Or should I say, those kinds were any other person would feel empty hearted.

I did have a great childhood. Everybody was always around, playing with me. Yes, I have to admit, I was quite the problem child. Always got into fights with some jerks. Especially with that Jean guy. He managed to aggravate me with things that shouldn’t even make me angry in the first place. But nothingness, I still had a lot of friends in kindergarten. But all that changed drastically the moment we all went to school. I told everyone that I was surely gay since I liked the boys more. If I had known back then that not everyone was as accepting as my parents, I would have never said that. I was proud of it, despite such a fact.

My friends started to avoid me and straight out ignored me when I talked to them. I thought I was just annoying, is all. I was a naive kid back then. How should have I known that they all hated me for some reason and secretly wanted me dead?

By the time I realised that those weren’t my real friends, I kept my distance as well. The only one who didn’t abandon me like anyone else was Armin. So of course I desperately held onto him.

I thought I would be fine as long as he was there for me. I was until he had to switch schools. I was saddened at the idea that he won’t be around anymore. With that I lost almost all contact with him since I was always grounded and couldn’t even pay a visit to him anymore.

Armin was never mistreated by others since I was the only weirdo there and quite possibly the only target as well. I was happy that he didn’t receive all those words which I have been getting on a daily basis.

My family decided to adopt a girl named Mikasa since her parents died on a car accident and our families were very close. I liked her though and I have a feeling that she felt the same way. She was very supportive towards me. My parents thought that it was a great idea to put her into a different school since I have sullied our family's name in the other with always causing trouble. Even though, I was always just blamed by most of the things that had happened. I didn’t have anything against her being put somewhere else since I didn’t want her to see how I was treated there. I don’t know why I was embarrassed. I just was.

Because everybody were always calling me names and shoving me around, my grades started to suffer as well in the process. Which made my parents angry. They always started to lecture me, I tried to resist them, but it was still in vain. I told them that I can’t concentrate at such things when everybody is making me purposely fail. One teacher especially. they didn’t believe the accusations that I told. My parents brushed it off as if they were nothing, but a childs imagination.

I gave up soon after and just took all the names, punches and what else not in. I didn’t even know that I had locked my heart away by the time I was in the ninth grade which also meant that I had stopped crying as well.

Mikasa constantly asked if there was something wrong, but I didn’t tell her anything. I thought she wouldn’t believe me either, so what was the point in even trying.

At nights I would cry a lot. Pleading for someone to understand me, even if it was just a little.

I laughed darkly at the sudden memories that I was having. What the hell happened back then anyway? All I did was tell them something that was true about me. I thought they were my friends.

When I was finished the ninth grade, I thought it would be a great change of atmosphere and changed schools entirely. It was a great idea for two months. Then it all started again with people avoiding me. I don’t even know what I did this time. Later I found out that a person from the other school I was in, had told them about me.

It was soon the same as it was at the other school, but this time, some started to physically attack me. I thought back sometimes, but stopped trying since I was always the one to lose and also be blamed afterwards. I didn’t care anymore. I did my best while studying, but couldn’t continue of the lack of enthusiasm.

I still went to school even though I didn’t want to. Make my parents happy that I’m at least trying. They always praised Mikasa and probably liked her more than me. She was at the middle of attention almost all the time. I envied her, but soon stopped caring entirely.

As the last year was of school was over, I had to return home for a little while. I haven’t seen them after I left. In that school was a dorm where I could stay so of course I didn’t bother even going home. I figured they would be so much happier if I wasn’t around anyway. The only positive thing about everyone hating me was that I got a room for me alone.

Now a chuckle left my lips. How cruel. I just thought out something good about all that ordeal that was going on back then.

I was searching for a job, but that proved to become difficult since I had a bad reputation. They all spread rumours to the town. I even looked for one out of the town, but even that was pointless, everyone seemed to have weird connections to other people and were still trying to destroy my life.

I didn’t ever try to cut myself. I thought that was a pointless thing to do. Since even if it would relieve the pain a little, it wouldn't erase the painful truth that this reality was still surrounding me. Cutting myself would only put wounds on me that might be discovered by Mikasa, she has been keeping a watchful eye on me for a while. She even told me that my eyes are missing a certain spark in them that I once held. Oh and, I heard those marks won’t ever leave my body completely and from that I was even more terrified. Even if I were to be able to start living a better life, those things would be still on me, reminding me of my horrible past. I didn’t want that. I still hoped that I would live to see a better day.

If I had money, I would have already flied to another country. I studied different countries language just in case.

Have I ever mentioned that in all nights, I have stayed awake too afraid to fall asleep and encounter the demons that would most likely await me in the deep dark corners.

My parents were disappointed that I wasn’t even able to find a job. I heard their conversation once, they were talking about me. I heard the most heartbreaking thing anybody could hear which was them wishing that I was never born. So after 4 months, they threw me out which brings me, two weeks later, to the rooftop I’m right now standing on.

All this time, I didn’t even notice that everything had become so dull that I almost didn’t feel anything. I’m still not sure what this empty feeling is. Am I even feeling anything at all?

My phone was vibrating in my pocket. I took a quick peek and saw that it was Mikasa calling.

For what do I need a phone for when I’ll be dead soon anyways? I just let it slid off my hands to the roof ground. It wasn’t an expensive phone, but still  had to work hard for it. Even though this thing could only be used for calling and messages not like the other cells that could film, take pictures, record or even go to the internet. It was still something precious to me.

I took a look at the cold concrete awaiting for me to just jump down. I guess this is it, huh? I gathered the last of my courage and do what I came here to do. Nobody will miss me anyway, so why even bother trying to live when there is nothing to live for anymore. There is no hope, no freedom to achieve. My fate was sealed with that one line and that was that.

I took the last very steps and lingered on it just a little longer. I’m sure everybody will be pleased with this outcome. After all, they wanted me dead to begin with.

This is my final goodbye to you world. I stared at the sunrise and let a small smile grace my now dry lips. I felt tears run down my cheeks, I haven’t let them shed for a while now. It felt nice. The cold gentle breeze flowing through me, letting me feel it’s touch just one more time before this gruesome fall. The soft sun rays tried to warm my figure, but wasn’t capable of fulfilling its task.

I Eren Yeager, will die on the day the very same day that I was born.

I closed my eyes and  took the last step to my forever ending.

But instead of feeling myself hit the ground I felt someone pulling me away. Wait, no! That wasn’t supposed to happen. I felt my back hit the ground and someone climb ontop of me. I opened my eyes to see a beautiful man hovering over me with silky black hair which also had an undercut. His silver eyes staring right into my dull green orbs. I was completely shocked at this mans action. Didn’t he know that I wanted to die?

I started to struggle to get free. No. I want to die!

“Let me go!”

But he didn’t do as I said.

“Please! I just want to end it all!!”

“Stop struggling, I’m not going to let a stupid kid go and jump off this damn building when I can stop it!” said the unknown person with the most smoothest voice, laced with something that I wasn’t quite familiar with receiving from someones other than my adopted sister. Concern.

“I don’t care!! Let me go!”

“No for the love of god, quite moving!”

“Never!” fresh tears were coming from my eyes. It felt like someones was taking away the last piece of heaven that I was about to achieve. I don’t want to live anymore. Why? Why does this man have to take away the chance of my true freedom? Haven’t I suffered enough already? I just want this nightmare to end.

“Please! I don’t want this endless pain to continue!”

“No! There are people who care about you, I’m certain of it.”

“There aren’t! Ever since I entered school, I was shunned by the others who I once called friends! All teachers hated me! My own parents were displeased of my behaviour, but in reality I was always blamed for everything! I tried with moving to another school, but it was in vain. Their roots even reached there! I didn’t find a job just because of some rumours I haven’t even heard about were sullying my name! My parents abandoned me soon after! Nobody loves me! They all want me dead, they said so themselves!” I shouted and screamed everything at this person who forbid me from throwing away this unnecessary life.

Why was I telling him all this? Because I wanted mercy just for once? Because I wanted to tell someone all this? Or was it because I had given up hope and thought that even when he stops me now, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try to do it later. EIther way, I had already told him.

“Please, have mercy and let me go.” I pleaded with a broken voice.

His grip started to loosen and I thought this was my cue to leave. I smiled at him and mouthed a silent ‘thank you’ and stood up to make my way back to where I once stood. But before I could go any further I was hit from behind with something hard. I fell down on the ground and immediately lost consciousness.

~***~

**One week before Eren tried to kill himself:**

Erens parents met his teacher at a market. She started to talk about how poorly he was treated by her since she believed the other kids more than him. Explained how bad she feels about it and then laughs at her own stupidity of not noticing the other childrens weird hate that was directed at him. She said she wanted to apologize to him. She then asked how he’s doing, but the parents are completely shocked at this new information and couldn’t answer.

That’s when another teacher appears who is from the last school Eren has studied in. She asked them if they were his parents and started to tell them what a nice kid he was. Eren was very good at learning languages and was at the top of the class. The teacher was teaching French, Spanish, Italian and English. She said that he was good at every single one of them. Then she also wanted to know how he was doing since she was concerned a little.

Apparently everyone was mostly ignoring and avoiding Eren entirely, some have even beaten him up. She said that when Eren finally left the school, she had only then heard about the beatings. She said that she thought Eren liked to be alone and such, so didn’t think much of it. Then she mentioned that she also heard a lot of terrible things about him, which might have been also the reason why he can’t find a proper job.

The parents excused themselves and went back home. They felt guilty for chasing Eren away and completely broke every contact with him. How could they do something so heartless to him, without even asking or even at least considering what he said back then about people just hating him and wanting him dead.

They started to search for Eren, but didn’t find him.

**A week passes:**

Mikasas learns finally the truth involving his brother. She tries to call him multiple times to ask him where he is or come home. She put it so that her parents could also hear.

When the call finally was answered the person who started speaking wasn’t Eren, it was someone else.

“Eren!” said Mikasa with desperation lacing her voice.

“This is not Eren, it’s Levi.”

“Where is Eren?!”

“He’s here with me, lying on the ground.”

“What did you do to him?” asked Grisha angrily.

“Nothing much, just hit him with a  glass bottle to the back of his head.”

“What?!” asked Carla angrily. “I’ll call the police so don’t you dare to lay a finger on him.”

“Who are you people?”

“His family.” answered Mikasa. “We want Eren back.”

“Too late now.”

“What do you mean by that?” asked Grisha with venom dripping from his every word.

“I just decided that I’m going to keep him.“

“You can’t do that!”

“Watch me. Why do you people want Eren back all of a sudden?” hissed the man to them.

“Because we got into a fight and want him to just come home.” Lied Carla.

“Oh? So you got into a fight which made him want to jump off the roof? Must have been a really ugly fight there, don’t you think.”

They became completely silent at that statement. “You should be grateful that I stopped him from doing what he was about to do. You know what he said instead of what you just stated?”

They were all silent, waiting for the answer which they were about to hear.

“He said that he was hated by so many humans and abandoned by his own family. He cried and pleaded for me to let him go. He really wanted to die. By the way, he’s abnormally thin as well.”

“Listen, we just want our baby boy back. Please give him back to us.” said Carla.

“Sorry, as much as I’d like to do that, there is no guarantee that he’ll have a better life with you people so I’m taking Eren, I’m hanging up.”

The line went dead.

~***~

It so soft and warm right now. Why? I thought I jumped off the roof. Shouldn’t It be cold? I opened my eyes and saw that I was laying on a bed. I sat up and looked around the room. What was I doing here? The memories that I once lost came flooding back to me.

I never got the chance to take my own life. Do I have to suffer even longer in this cruel world? I heard a door creaking and instantly spinned my head in it’s direction. There was the man who stopped me from achieving the only goal that I had in my mind. He was standing there with an absolutely blank face, holding two cups in each of his hands. What does he want from me? Does he want to torture me like the rest of them? Does he have some kind of connection with the others? Did he tell them? Will they come and start doing more horrible things to me than just beat me up and make my life miserable?

I curled up and asked “w-what do you...what do you want from me?”

“I want you to drink this tea.” he answered bluntly.

“N-no...not that...what do you want to do with me?”

“Nothing.” I was taken aback by that and beyond confused.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Nothing like the things that you’re  imaginating right now and anything like something that you don’t want me to do.”

A small pause filled the room before he added “Except something that is good for you.”

I nodded slowly as the only thing I could do at this point.

“Then...c-can I leave?”

“No.”

“W-why?”

“Since you’re just leaving to kill yourself.”

I gulped and thought of how spot on he actually was. I lowered my head and stared at my two thin hands. How long has it been since I last ate? Oh, two weeks, maybe.

“Why?” my voice cracked. Why would he do that? I’m a nobody to him.

“Because I want to help.”

I snorted at that. Help me? What is he talking about? Who on their right mind would help me?

“You’ll leave me as soon as you get to know me. Just like everyone else.”

“I’m not.” he said confidently.

“How would you know?”

“Since I’m not like them.”

I snorted again. Yeah right.

“I mean it kid.”

I raised my head to shout at him “I’m not a kid! My name is Eren Yeager and I’m 20 years old.” He is going to recognise my name and throw me out.

“Nice to meet you Eren, my name is Levi Ackerman and I’m 25 years old.”

Wait, he was supposed to throw me out not tell me his name.

Levi walked over to me and reached out a cup of tea.

“Drink, you need it.” it wasn’t a request, it was a command which I couldn’t disobey. I reached out and took it with shaky hands into mine. Slowly took a sip of the the dark liquid. I felt it slowly go down my throat to my stomach. It was warm and very good, I was sitting on the soft bed which still radiated some sort of warmness onto my legs. There was a person sitting on the bed, not wanting to hurt me. I felt comfortable and..and. Small tears started to form and flow down my cheeks. I felt safe.

A hand was on my back doing small circles to calm me down.

“I’m sorry.” I said between sobs “I’m sorry...”

“It’s okay, let it all out.”

Levi took the cup from me and placed it on the nightstand. Then he came a little closer and pulled me into his strong arms. And that’s when I lost every control of my feelings.

“It’s okay Eren, I’ll be here for you from now on, promise.”

I nodded furiously onto his shoulder, truly hoping that this wasn’t a cruel dream I was about to wake up from or a prank from those people who hated my guts.

He let me cry for a while and when I started to calm down he spoke up what he wanted to tell me.

“I won’t let anyone ever hurt you again. I’ll take you with me when I leave this country.”

“T-then, you weren’t even from here?” I sniffled and murmured it into his shoulder.

“No, I came here for a vacation and was walking outside when I saw you on the rooftop crying. Good thing I figured out what you were about to do.”

Now it makes sense. Of course he wouldn’t know me. The thought of now getting away from here made my heart fill with relief and tiny hope. I started to tear up again, but this time these tears that I shed were filled with happiness that I haven’t felt for so long.

“Yes, please.” I pleaded almost inaudibly. He started to rock me back and forth, to soothe away all the remaining pain.

~***~

It has been two years after that incident where I almost lost my life. Levi really didn’t abandon me like he promised. Me and him fell even in love with each other. I didn’t think that someone like Levi would fall for me. Me, Eren Yeager, who is nothing compared to Levi.

I have stopped having suicidal thoughts long ago. I’m so incredibly happy right now. I just can’t hold it all in anymore. I feel like I’m about to burst.

“Eren!”

“Yes!”

“Come over here!”

I went up the stairs to our bedroom “What is it?”

“What do you think, should the bedroom be colored orange or white?”

“That’s a good question.”

“I know, right?”

We thought for a while, but Levi answered his own question before I could do anything about it.

“How about the color of your eyes.”

“W-what?”

“You heard me, how about it, shit stain?”

“Well, it would be nice if it were the color of your eyes instead.”

Levi narrowed his eyes at me and said “Yours is better. We’ll do it as I said.”

“But-!”

“Don’t argue with me Eren. I always want to wake up to see the color of your eyes, but sadly you have your eyes most of the time closed and when they are open, it isn’t enough.”

I blushed and nodded in agreement. “Okay, but the living room will have the color of your eyes then!”

Levi started to laugh at my last silly attempt “Okay, will do." He leaned in and kissed me, it was short but still enjoyable.

 

Well of course we want our new house to look as comfortable as possible since this is going to be our home for the rest of our life.

“Then we will have hot steamy sex, okay?!” I heard him shout from the other room.

“Levi!” I whined.

“If you want me to stop, you have to do much more than just that, bright eyes!”

“Fine! I’ll find a way!” just you wait.

~***~

 


End file.
